What NOT to Say to a Female
by ladyfriday25
Summary: The title explains it all. This is a collection of oneshots based off things that should never be said to a female. Chapter 2: Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat? Chapter 3: Rating Beauty. Chapter 4: Go Make Me a Sandwich. Chapter 5: You Talk Too Much! Chapter 6: Santa. Zutara, though it is not so much of sappy romance than it is Katara angry and Zuko getting in trouble.
1. Chapter 1: Are You Pregnant?

**A/N: This is a drabble-fic (okay, I know they aren't ****_technically_**** drabbles, but "oneshot-fic" just doesn't flow) based off of things I've experienced or heard about. Like the title says, each chapter is a different scenario that demonstrates what NOT to say to females. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 1: Are You**** Pregnant?**

"Hey honey!" Fire Lord Zuko said, upon entering his bedchambers. "How was your day?"

Katara sighed as she brushed out her hair in front of the mirror. "It was frustrating. I just can't stand the nobles' wives! All they want to do is just sit and gossip over tea. I mean, seriously! A war ended less than a decade ago, the Fire Nation is in shambles, and all they want to do is talk about the latest scandal!"

Zuko approached his wife and started to massage her shoulders, trying to help relieve her tension. "'Tara, I know how hard it is for you to play the role of Fire Lady. But you do amazing at it, and I _really_ appreciate it."

Katara smiled. "What I do for you, _Zuzu._" Her smile grew when she saw Zuko's reflection roll his eyes at the nickname.

"Let's just go to bed, my Fire Lady."

Katara stood up, and Zuko, ever the gentleman, picked her up bridal style and carried her to their bed. He set her down on the mattress, and asked "Hey honey, are you pregnant?"

Katara's smile disappeared, her ocean-blue eyes cold and angry. "And _what_ gave you _that_ idea?" She spoke harshly and enunciated each word.

Oblivious like always, Zuko did not sense her concealed anger. "Well, you seemed a little heavier than usual. So I was just wondering."

Fifteen minutes later, Fire Lord Zuko entered a guest bedroom, where he would be sleeping that night, with a confused expression, and a small bright red handprint on his stinging cheek.

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**A/N: I (and my friends) have only experienced so much wrong statements, and I would love/need to hear some ideas, suggestions, and stories! And review, please! I changed my profile to accept guest/visitor reviews, so for those of you who don't have an account, or are simply too lazy to log on (been there, done that) I would love reviews from you as well!**


	2. Chapter 2: Does This Dress

**A/N: Sorry, I kept forgetting to post this. And thank you Zelda rules, and Guest for reviewing! And legendofaang and sweetpotatopumpkin for favorite-ing and following!**

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"...And so you see, Fire Lord Zuko, on the behalf of my island, I would greatly appreciate if you would sample our signature dish Poisson Aux Algues."

Fire Lord Zuko mentally sighed. This so called "chef" from an island near Ember Island had been trying to convince Zuko to try this special dish he prepares for half an hour. He had things to do, people to see. He didn't have time to waste talking about food! "Sir," Zuko said, frusterated. "I am sorry, but I cannot try your dish. I have had it before, and I honestly don't like it."

"But, Fire Lord Sir! It is now perfected! Please, for the sake of my island, try it!"

Zuko couldn't take it anymore. "Fine! Go get your Poisson Aux Algues and I'll _sample_ it."

The chef's face lit up in excitement and he scurried away to go grab the dish. The second he was out of sight, twenty-year-old Zuko turned tail and ran to his bedchambers, trying to hide so he would not have to try the disgusting food.

He ran through corridor after corridor, and right before he made it to safety, he collided with his waterbender girfriend, Katara. "Oh my goodness! Sorry honey! But I gotta go hide!"

Confused, Katara followed Zuko into his room, and watched as he barred and barricaded his door. "What the... Zuko, _what_ is going on?"

Zuko quickly explained the situation to Katara. Once his story was over, she thought about the best way to respond. She chose a simple "Shame on you."

Zuko was taken aback. That was not the answer he expected. "Umm... why?"

Katara clucked her tongue in disappointment. "Honesty is the best policy. That poor man. You need to go apologize to him and follow through with your word, and try the dish."

"But... but... It's _icky_! It's fish with _seaweed_!"

"Oh, now you sound like a little kid. Go. Now."

Zuko sighed in defeat. Only Katara could make the Fire Lord go beg for his pride back. He walked like a kicked puppy back to where he knew the man would be, and Katara was following him, probably to ensure he actually tried the food.

A couple minutes later, he was met with the chef's smiling face.

"I apologize for my sudden disappearance. Something came up. Now, where is that... delicious... food?"

In response, the chef held up a plate with a green-wrapped fish on it. Zuko gulped in fear, picked up the fork, and took a small bite. He immediately turned green and almost threw up. It took all his self-control to force the demented food that should be banned from the world down his throat.

Katara saw his face, and knew he would not be able to speak without losing his lunch. So she stepped in. "Thank you, sir. I can tell the Fire Lord appreciates this as well." She took the plate from the chef, and bid him farewell. Once the chef was gone, Katara turned and gave it to a nearby guard, who was trying not to laugh at the circumstance. "Take this and dispose of it, please." He bowed and took the fish away.

While looking on, Zuko managed to find his voice. "Hey! You didn't even try it! That's not fair!" Katara just walked to Zuko's rooms, knowing he would follow. "... So I had to suffer and you didn't! That is so rude! And impolite! And-"

"- And I never promised to try it. So I was not obliged to." They had reached his rooms and entered.

Zuko huffed and pouted again, stomping over to his bed like a young child.

Katara went and stood in front of him, hands of hips. "Now, Zuko. What have you learned today?"

He glared at Katara, who was smirking down at him. "I have learned that you are a mean girlfriend who does not care if I get poisoned by inedible fish."

"No," She shook her head, "Repeat after me: I have learned never, under any circumstances, to lie, because lying is bad. Very very bad. I promise I won't lie ever again."

"I have learned never, under any circumstances, to lie, because lying is bad. Very very bad. I promise I won't lie ever again. Can I go now?"

Satisfied, Katara let him leave the room, smirking as she noticed his haste in exiting.

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A week later, Katara leaned closer to the mirror as she applied mascara and lip gloss, adding the last little flair to her appearance. She heard Zuko open the door and enter the room, but neither could see each other because of the layout and decorations. "Hey Kat," He called out to her, "Are you ready to go? The peace dance is about to start, and it would present a bad image if the Fire Lord and his girlfriend the most famous Waterbender in the world were both late."

"Yeah, just give me a second to grab my shoes!" Katara stood back to inspect her outfit. She was wearing a tight dark blue dress with silver trimmings around the edges; simple but sophisticated. She put away her makeup containers and slid on a pair of black high heels. Right as she stepped out from behind the divider to where Zuko could see her, she asked him, "I know it is too late to do anything about it now, but does this dress make me look?" She smiled, sure he would say she looked gorgeous. She thought she did.

Fire Lord Zuko saw the dress, gulped, and said bravely, "It makes you look like a hippo-cow."

Katara gaped, jaw practically touching the floor. This was not what he was supposed to say. So much for a loving boyfriend. "W-w-what did you s-s-say?" She stuttered, holding back tears, because if they fell it would ruin her makeup, and apparently, the only thing good about her right now _was_ the makeup.

"I said, it makes you look like-"

"- _I know what you said_! You don't need to repeat it! But I meant _why_? _How_ could you say such a thing?"

Zuko was slightly afraid, and logically so. An angry Katara is something everyone should fear. "Well, do you remember last week, the incident with the fish?" He continued when she nodded affirmatively. "Well, I promised I would never lie ever again. I am determined to stick with my word, so I couldn't lie and say that dress made you look stunning, because it, well, _doesn't_. It makes you look like the... previously stated animal."

Katara's eyes quickly turned from shattered ice to a raging storm. "Zuko. If you had said that the dress complimented me to perfection, _like you should have_, that is not lying. That is _saving your sorry butt because after this dance I am going to whip it so hard you will be wishing you were fighting Azula in that Agni Kai again_!" Zuko gulped, eyes bulging. "But, I guess, once I am done, I will thank you for telling me it looked bad. But not right now. _I'm still mad at you_." Katara disappeared again for a second to grab a large grey cloak to hide the majority of the dress. Zuko could only watch as she stomped past him into the hallway, not even bothering to spare him a glance.

_Oh Yue, please let it not be a full moon..._

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**Review please! How can I grow as a writer if I never get feedback?**


	3. Chapter 3: Rating Beauty

**A/N: This takes place at the Ember Island beach house. I apologize. I was vague. And thank you Zelda rules, sergeant peace, Other Guest, katara-zuko1714, Guest, and Ferret . krazy. 101 (no spaces. It wouldn't save it unless I put in spaces)for taking a minute of your life to review. It means so much to me! And the idea for this oneshot was given to me by Other Guest. Thank you for your amazing ideas, which I will continue to use! **

**Other Guest: I apologize if this was not how you envisioned this to play out. I meant it to happen a different way, but it sorta chose it's own path. If you are not pleased though, I can certainly write another one. **

**Oh, I forgot to put this on the first two chapters, and knowing me I will forget again, so here it is. I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. If I did, I would certainly not be writing fanfictions.**

**And I apologize if Sokka seems OOC. I haven't written very much Sokka (if at all), so this is kind of a failed first attempt. And I am sorry if Zuko seems OOC, or too angsty, or something. I don't write a lot of aggravated!Zuko, so it is, again, in new territory.**

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"Psst! Zuko!" Zuko looked around from where he stood in the hallway to find the source of the voice that called him. Suddenly, a tan hand yanked him through a nearby doorway, and into an unused guest bedroom.

Stumbling and confused, Zuko looked up into the glistening ocean blue eyes of Sokka. "Hey, let's play a game!" Sokka asked, overeager.

The look in Sokka's eyes was disturbing. "And what makes you think I would want to play a game?"

Zuko's obvious disinterest in the idea was either not caught by the young Water Tribesman, or he simply didn't care. "Well, you were bored, and had nothing to do, Toph is with Aang, probably destroying things, and Suki is off doing whatever girls do with Katara, so I'm bored too! And our combined boredom can be used to combat boredom for humanity!"

Zuko blinked. Even though Sokka may have been his best friend, he had yet to learn the Sokka Language, or as preferably called, Sokkanese.

"...And what makes you think I was bored?"

Again, Sokka was not deterred. "Zuko, you were standing in the hallway. Not even walking. Just _standing there_. That is a symptom for boredom."

"I'm not going to win this argument, am I?"

"Nope!"

"Fine!" Zuko huffed. "Let's get this over with." The two boys closed the door and moved from the doorway of the room to the middle of the floor, where they sat on a crimson rug. "Now how do we play? And make the game short!"

"Fine! I will shorten it! So, I am going to ask you a question. And you will respond. Okay?"

"...Yeah, whatever, just hurry up."

"Okay!" Sokka's earnest voice turned suddenly, and somewhat randomly, to imitate a game show host. Yet another form of Sokkanese Zuko has yet to figure out. "And your question is... Rate each girl we are traveling with based off of prettiness, 1 being so ugly my eyes are scalding, and 10 being the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes on. Are you ready?"

_What. In. The. World. My standing in the hallway was interrupted for _this_?_ "... Seriously, dude?"

"Yes. Seriously. Now answer the question, and you may go."

_I guess I need to just do it. Okay. First off is Suki. _For what felt like the hundredth time in the course of five minutes, Zuko sighed. "Okay, well, for Suki, I guess she is a... solid seven and a half."

"And your reasoning? Sokka appeared relatively calm; Zuko could only hope that was a good sign.

Zuko rubbed the back of his neck, feeling awkward. "Well, she is pretty, but she's your girlfriend, so I can't think of her as beautiful, because that, like, breaks the bro-code."

_Please have been the right thing to say, please have been the right thing to say..._ Sokka grinned, pleased. _ Success_.

"Okay, next?"

_Toph. Hmm. _"I guess I would give Toph a five. She is pretty, for her twelve-year-old age, but, shes _twelve, _so she couldn't rank super high. And if I put her much higher, she would probably kill me."

Sokka bit his lip and tilted his head, thinking about this. "... I agree. She would kill you for putting her higher. Okay, so I accept that answer, now for Katara?"

_Oh no. Katara. Also known as _Sokka's little sister Katara_. If I say one wrong thing, I am so dead, that after he kills me, he will probably make Aang go into the Spirit World to revive me, just so he can kill me again. Okay, breathe Zuko, breathe. Think this through, plan your move. Just like playing Pai Sho. _

_Established facts:_

_1: If I was honest, Katara would be a ten, hands down._

_2: If I said Katara was a ten... or a nine... or an eight... or a seven... Sokka would kill me._

_3: If I said Katara was a one... or a two... or a three... or a four... Sokka would kill me._

_4: Putting Katara as a five again would be implied she is on the same level as Toph, which could possibly make Sokka kill me._

_5: Sokka might kill me anyway._

_So I guess I will have to say..._

"She is a six at best." Zuko could barely breathe, fearing her fiercely protective older brother. When Sokka smiled approvingly, Zuko let out a heavy, ragged breath.

But when the sound of a very _feminine_ voice carried through the door, yelling "Zuko, you are such a jerk!", he realized that he forgot someone to be worried about. That someone just happened to own that voice. Someone that happened to be Sokka's little sister. Correction: Sokka's little _master waterbender _sister. Whose name just happened to be Katara...

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**_A/N: __READ _THIS! **

**_BOTH PARTS! THEY ARE IMPORTANT!  
_**

**1: I am kinda not satisfied with the ending. I could write a sequel oneshot that would be fluffy, or I could just leave it as it is. What do you all think?**

**2:** **I****have gotten over 650 reads, yet only 8 reviews. Two of those were from the same person. This makes me sad :( that so many read, but don't respond. Even though I prefer long reviews (who doesn't?), I am totally content with a word or two! And when I get reviews, I feel _inspiration_ *random glitter and sparkles appear* to write some more! So please, review!**


	4. Chapter 4: Go Make Me a Sandwich

**A/N: Thank you Zelda rules, marinefollese, The Purple Rainbow, Here lol, Kimberly T, and xnightwing for their lovely reviews! And thank you those who have favorited and/or are following this story!**

**Thank you Other Guest for this great idea!**

**Here lol: I was considering doing a sequel to be nice to Zuko (for once, since I am always mean to him) where he would tell Katara that he actually thought of her as a 10, but I don't know if I should. What do you think?**

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**Go Make Me A Sandwich  
**

Zuko sighed lazily while he reclined on the couch at his family's beach house. He had just finished a rigorous training session with Aang, who had promptly been escorted away with Toph the moment it was over, leaving Zuko all alone.

As soon as he got comfy, his stomach rumbled. Only then did he realize in his haste to train with Aang, he had forgotten to eat breakfast. He _would_ get up and get himself a snack from the kitchen, but it was _just so far away _(and by far away, it was like 15 feet away, but it still requires getting up, making it far away, in his opinion). I_s food worth getting up? Hm..._

While he was debating his problem, he heard Katara and Suki enter the kitchen. He was struck with a brilliant epiphany. K_atara knows how to cook!_

"Hey Katara?" He asked excitedly.

"Yes Zuko?"

"Make me a sandwich."

"...Make you a sandwich?" Katara asked, her mouth gaping in shock. Unfortunately for Zuko, because he was facing away, he could not see her response.

"Yes," He stated. "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry. And girls make the food."

He failed to notice the enraged expression Katara exchanged with Suki.

"...Ah. I see. Of course _your Majesty_."

_She vaguely sounded like she was mocking me... Oh well, I won't question it, because she agreed to make me a sandwich._

Zuko's reclined position did not allow him to see Katara bend the water out of her waterskin, split it in half, form it into two large pieces of bread, and turn it into ice. Suddenly, Zuko jumped up from the couch when something freezing cold touched him. He glanced down to find two pieces of ice that strangely resembled bread pressed against each side of him. Only knowing one waterbender, he turned to glare at Katara.

"There you go! Firebender sandwich!" She said, smug. Suki laughed.

"Thats not what i meant!"

"Well, you never specified what kind of sandwich!"

"You should've asked!"

"You shouldn't assume that just because were girls we are here to wait on you hand and foot!"

Zuko was taken aback with her statement. "But Sokka says girls are supposed to make the food..."

Suddenly, two angry female yells echoed simultaneously through the house.

"_Sokka!_"

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**A/N: PLEASE READ! MY AUTHOR'S NOTES DO ACTUALLY HAVE A POINT!**

**I have over 1,060 reads. So I know you guys are reading! Yet I only have 15 reviews. 15! Why, peoples? Why? You all make me want to cry and stop writing forever! Except you that review. Especially consistently ( *cough* Zelda rules and Kimberly T *cough*) So please, review! If you are too lazy to log on, like I frequently am, or just don't have an account, YOU CAN STILL REVIEW! IT'S POSSIBLE! So please! Review! **

**~ladyfriday25**


	5. Chapter 5: You Talk Too Much!

**A/N: Thank you DarkSecretWaterbender, marinefollese, Kimberly T, Zelda Rules, Xiteph, Guest, Sokka aka Wang Fire, Guest, Guest, JCB13, Guest, .101, and Hippo-Cow for your lovely reviews!**

**I love kiddie Zutara. It makes me so happy. I couldn't resist doing one myself! And, I KNOW that Zuko and Katara couldn't be in the same grade, but my story demanded that they were in the same class. So, I did a little agebending. **

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**You Talk Too Much!**

It was the first day of kindergarten, and Zuko was not happy. He didn't want to go to school, he didn't want to play with the other kids, he didn't want his mommy to leave him with a bunch of strange people. That morning, he had begged and pleaded with his mommy to let him stay home, but she was... what was the word she used?... adamant.

Class was just about to start, and Zuko sat down in the corner desk, hoping that everyone would leave him alone and sit other places. It was going smoothly until about a minute before the bell rang.

A happy little girl with brown hair, blue eyes, and a blue dress approached Zuko. He tried scowling at her, but she was either oblivious to his grumpiness or simply didn't care. Much to Zuko's dismay, she sat down next to him, and started talking.

"Hi! My name's Katara. I am five years old." She held up an open hand to show her age. "I am very excited to be in kindergarten. My brother is starting first grade, and he said school is fun, so I am excited. I heard Miss Wu is a very nice teacher. She looks very nice. Have you seen her yet? I have. I think she looks nice. You look very grumpy. Why are you grumpy? Are you not excited to start school like a big kid? What is your name? Oh, we are going to be best friends!"

Zuko couldn't take it anymore. This little girl whose name was Katara _would not stop talking!_ She was driving him insane! He covered his ears. "You talk too much!"

This statement and action got Katara to stop rambling on and on. She looked over at him, and their eyes met, blue and gold. Zuko watched as the now-silent girl next to him start to have tears well up in her eyes. It reminded him of something his mother had told him earlier that day, before he left. "_Zuko, you must be nice and kind to everybody. Their will be kids that will want to talk to you, and you must not be rude. Try and make friends with them, and_ _be nice!_"

Zuko felt bad. He didn't want to make Katara cry. So he said, "I'm sorry. My name is Zuko. Do you want to play with me at recess time?"

Katara wiped her eyes, and smiled again. "Okay, Zuko! We really are going to be best friends!"

He was surprised when she hugged him. He was even more surprised when he found himself hugging her back, with a smile on his face. 

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**A/N: Read and review, please! Guests and those not logged in CAN review as well! Send ideas for stories too! I am running low! D: Thank you! =D**


	6. Chapter 6: Santa

**A/N: WARNING! IF YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS DO NOT READ THIS ONESHOT! I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR RUINING YOUR LIFE! I HAVE WARNED YOU, NOW IF YOUR LIFE GETS RUINED, IT IS NOT MY FAULT!**

**Thank you my reviewers: Zelda rules, DarkSecretWaterbender, Sokka aka Wang Fire, Rachelalicexx, Guest, JCB13, and Aaya123Woods (twice) **

**Background Info:**** I LOOSELY based this off of a discussion my parents after they got married. LOOSELY because I turned the discussion into an argument. My parents didn't ACTUALLY fight over this. **

**This is an AU.**

**R****EAD THIS!: I HAVE RECEIVED A TOTAL OF 36 REVIEWS. YET I HAVE HAD OVER 2,400 READS! THIS IS NOT COOL! I REFUSE TO POST ANOTHER CHAPTER UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED AT LEAST 10 REVIEWS! IT IS NOT HARD! GUESTS CAN REVIEW TOO!**

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It was a chilly December night, and Katara and Zuko were setting up their Christmas tree. They had been married for two years, but this Christmas would be the first one with their new baby. Naturally, both were ecstatic that Christmas would be spent as a true family, and had discussed their plans for months, but both happened to forget on _tiny_ detail...

"But Zuko! That isn't fair!"

"Life isn't fair, Katara!"

"But why do _you_ get to be Santa Claus?" She huffed.

"Uh, well, let's think about this shall we?" Zuko pretended to think for a moment. "Oh, that's right! I'm a _guy!_"

Katara scowled. "Mrs. Claus is _just_ as important, if not more so. Who else keeps Santa from eating too many cookies to the point that he could get sick?"

"Let's compromise then. You can be Mrs. Claus, And I will be Santa. Deal?"

"Not at all. I want to be Santa."

Zuko had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. "You can't be Santa, Kat. It goes against all laws of gender."

"Well, that is _lame_."

"Life is lame."

"Stop saying that! Learn new vocabulary! Dictionaries exist for a reason! And _who cares_ if I am Santa? You don't even have to dress up to put presents under the tree, so why does it matter?"

"I... don't know. It just does!" Zuko could tell he was losing the argument. _No one_ won an argument against Katara. It just wasn't possible. He didn't stop trying though.

Just before Katara was about to reply, the baby started crying, distracting the couple. She picked up the baby, and gently bounced her to get her to calm down. Once she was calm, Katara once again turned toward Zuko. But instead of anger sparking in her eyes, it was the gentle love and care that made him fall for her in the first place. "What if, Zuko, we _both_ be Santa? She," Katara motioned to the little girl in her arms, "won't know the difference."

Zuko couldn't help the smile that spread across his face, as he looked at the two girls in his life that he loved more than his own life. He kissed Katara's forehead. "That sounds wonderful."

A moment later, the quiet moment was interrupted by Katara saying, "I _will_ get to be the Easter Bunny though, right?"

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**A/N: REMEMBER! I REFUSE TO POST UNTIL I GET AT LEAST 10 REVIEWS! GUESTS AND THOSE NOT LOGGED ON CAN STILL REVIEW! SO NO EXCUSES!**


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